Fiona opened the window grille of her room to a moonless night. As she leaned over and contemplated how jumping off might take away her anguish, she was held back by three things: faith, family and fear.
By the age of 27, Fiona has experienced two episodes of psychosis. Losing her mental faculty was a terrifying experience for her. She thought she was being followed, that her identity was being stolen, that her colleagues were conspiring against her in a grand experiment. At one point, Fiona thought she was living in The Truman Show. It was, to say the least, an extremely poor way to live.
While the experience of psychosis was harrowing, the post-psychotic depression she endured was much worse. The depression made her feel like she was made of solid lead. Waking up every morning was exhausting, her negative thoughts and anxiety gnawed at her constantly. Fiona was not proud of the way she carried herself in the depths of her despair and hopelessness. It seemed, at that point, things would never get better. Her family did not fully understand why she seemed to be so unmotivated, difficult and lazy.
Fiona wished that the fog of depression would disappear. It did not. A darkness loomed over her for months. She saw everything—her interactions with her friends and family, her life, her future—through a murky grey lens.
While she may have seemed normal in appearance, she was languishing on the inside. Every day was agony, every step she took required intense effort. It felt as though she was a walking corpse. Things got better eventually. Fiona learnt that the smell of freshly baked bread lifted the fog of depression just enough so that she could get glimpses of hope. Fiona’s older sister made it a point to cajole her into taking walks in the park near their home. Despite how she felt, Fiona kept taking steps forward, no matter how small. Gradually, Fiona changed the questions she asked from “Why am I suffering?" to "What can I learn from this season of my life?”
When Fiona learnt that it was not anything she did or did not do that landed her in depression, the sense of shame and guilt she carried was less overwhelming. Life had a way of throwing challenges to anyone that had nothing to do with one's conduct. The only choice Fiona had was how she chose to respond to her difficulties.
Today, Fiona still experiences bouts of what she calls "the mind flu", where negative thoughts and emotions were her only companion for days. Fiona has learnt to respect and contend with her negative emotions. By taking time to listen to what her emotions had to say, she realised that they were only trying to highlight areas of her life that needed work.
Fiona lives with a certain darkness, but her mind's eye has adjusted to see that the stars have always been shining for her.
While “Fiona” is our volunteer’s pseudonym, her story is not a work of fiction. In fact, her story is one of the many unique stories of recovery and growth from psychosis and depression. We hope that the figures below give you an idea of the number of people struggling in obscurity.
It is the leading cause of death among those aged 10–29.
Suicide is preventable. If you’d like support for suicide prevention, please visit the SOS website.
Help is available and recovery is possible.
Mental health conditions are treatable, and early intervention can improve treatment outcomes. Resources are provided here for anyone seeking support for their mental health.
This curated resource list is not exhaustive; it is meant as a primer for people looking for mental health support in Singapore.
PROFESSIONAL HELP
SUPPORT GROUPS
SELF HELP
If you are facing a mental health crisis, please contact IMH’s 24-hour hotline (6389 2222) or SOS 24-hour hotline (1767).
